Affleck rides elevators just like the rest of us

Despite rumors you may or may not have heard, Ben Affleck is quite tall. And yet, I ran into him on an elevator last week. True story. The elevator doors opened and there he was, against all odds, standing. I recognized him immediately, and almost told him so. That I remembered him from such films as Good Will Hunting, Armageddon and as the director of the recent Gone Baby Gone. And I gotta say, I'm a pair of golden shorts away from going all Mango on him... what can I say? I like the guy... not like, like (not that there's anything wrong with it) but you know.

I then remembered something I wrote sometime ago that has almost absolutely nothing to do with it.

"Once upon a... well, no, not really just last night. I day-dreamed a dream so full in thought and rich in texture, that I wondered why it is I didn't do it much more often. But let's get straight to the point. So, in the background Gloria Estefan sung a song of Caribbean love, or so I thought... I wasn't paying much attention, you see. And as we sat in that crowed empty room, Salma Hayek strolled in holding in her hand a bottle of champagne. She poured a cup for Robert, Joaquin and me (Rodriguez and Phoenix, that is). As the liquid got poured down into our glasses I realized where it was I was. The inside of a great big room with a bunch of tables and chairs. Oh! Gloria finished singing and she goes backstage to meet with her bottle of water to refresh her long-lasting throat, but that doesn't matter... Anyway, Robert kept drinking away, and just as he was about to light a cigarette, Kenny G suddenly threw his flute-thingy at me! I was so surprised I just had to run over and give Sarah Michelle one big kiss right there in front of everyone. Obviously, no-one appreciates it when somebody else kisses their girlfriend so Freddy Prince starting chasing me and Jena Malone all around the vacuum cleaner (I never quite understood why). So anyway, there I was, sitting on my chair looking at the stars when all of a sudden Gwyneth asked me what the hell I was looking at! Of course, I did the only thing I could, I ran over to Matt (Damon, of course) and asked to borrow his cell-phone, with which I called Sarah Jessica and asked her why she didn't come. Out of the blue and ordinary a white guy with a very messy hairdo came over to me, and said to me "I know Kung-Fu"... I, of course, couldn't care less and just walked away. So now, there I was, talking to a plant when Helen Hunt came over to me and asked me if I'd seen her Oscar, so I turned over to this De La Hoya fellow and told him Helen was looking for him (I didn't even know they got along). I walked into a tent and saw Heath Ledger, Jack Nicholson and Jamie Kennedy sharing a joint and decided to leave them alone.

As you might guess by now I was pretty tired, and so I decided to borrow John Lennon's glasses to pour Stevie Wonder a bottle of vodka, of course he ALSO asked me what I was looking at.

As it turns out all these people where here to see me. I found out when Brad, Kirsten, Ed and the little monkey from Ace Ventura asked me if I knew what all the fuss was about. I answered it was about me. Then, something apparently happened, I got bored and left the party with MonkeyBone hanging on to my leg.".

Up next: The story of Goldberg, the runner.